trick your kids: deep-fried latke balls

okay so that’s a horrible picture for lots of reasons, the first one being that i had to cut the balls in half to cool down quicker. but that’s the point, really – my toddler is actually eating them.

my youngest is a shit where it comes to food. he now pretty much refuses to sit in a chair and be fed, so i’ve been scratching my head on what the hell to feed him.

i made homemade mini fucking pasties for fuck’s sake, and he refuses to eat them. now our freezer has loads of them in, and there they shall stay for like two years.

but! i got a brainwave. who doesn’t like deep-fried anything? (okay correction: what *kid* doesn’t like deep-fried anything?)

and i remembered that a couple years ago i made finicky eldest loads of vegan latkes, which he ate without complaint (the litres of ketchup may have had something to do with it).

so i decided to make deep-fried latke balls out of the root veg in our box. and the toddler actually ate them!!

the recipe below is very, very customisable – just use whatever veg you have to hand. stick whatever uncooked balls your monster won’t eat into the freezer for another day ^_^

deep-fried latke balls
ingredients
1 medium potato, peeled and grated
1 medium carrot, washed and grated
1 parsnip, peeled and grated
1 celery stalk, destringed and grated
1 small-medium onion, peeled and grated
1/4 cup plain flour

method
mix all ingredients together in a mixing bowl. work the flour in with your fingers – the grated veg should have generated enough water for the flour to make a binding, sticky dough. if the mixture is too wet add more flour; if too dry add more water. form the mixture into tight little balls, slightly smaller than a ping-pong ball. you should have close to 20 balls.

either heat your oil in a deep-fat fryer, heat in a deep pan, or if shallow-frying, heat 1/4 to 1/2 cup oil in a skillet. make sure the oil is extremely hot – it should pop and sizzle when you throw a drop of water in. drop the balls into the oil and fry until golden brown – if shallow-frying, you will need to turn while cooking.

if serving to a hungry toddler, cut in half to facilitate quick cooling. 

potato scones

this morning we ran out of bread. seeing as how i’m too lazy to go to the shops at this time of day, i decided to make scones to eat my ReadyScramble(TM) with.

however. all the recipes i saw called for plant milk, which we *also* don’t have. rather than make a conventional scone with just water – which probably wouldn’t have been that terrible tbh but i was convinced that it would taste like baked wheat paste – i got inspired. 

for awhile i was obsessed with making focaccia bread. over the course of the fad i improved my bread with various things, including nutritional yeast (which must be put in all things), fresh rosemary nicked off my neighbour’s bush, and mashed potato. the latter sprung to mind – it made my focaccia gorgeously chewy and soft.

so i decided to wing a potato scone. and it turned out pretty well! lovely fresh out the oven with butter, or undergirding a scramble.

yurrrrrrm.

potato scones
ingredients
400g potatoes, peeled, boiled, and mashed
2 Tbsp margarine
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
3/4 tsp salt
1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda

method
if you’ve just mashed your potatoes, add the margarine, salt, and nutritional yeast while they’re still hot, and mix well. allow to cool. (you can also just use cold leftover mashed potatoes, and assuming you’ve already buttered, salted and yeasted them, omit those further ingredients.)

mix your dry ingredients together in a mixing bowl, and work the mash in with your fingers. it should come together into a firm, kneadable dough. if it’s too moist add more flour; if too firm add some water.

put your dough on a floured surface, like a counter or large cutting board, and roll with a rolling pin until about 1/2 to 1cm thick. then you can either use a large cookie cutter to make the scones, or just take a knife and divide the dough into 6 equal pieces.

put on a greased or lined baking tray, and bake at 180C until the scones are golden (10-15 minutes).

using up kale

let’s just come right out with it: i don’t really like kale. you will never find me buying kale in a supermarket. kale is basically glorified cabbage, but like twice as expensive.

and yet. it’s always the first thing i use when the veg box comes, because i don’t want to deal with a bunch of rotten leaves at the end of the week.

a few weeks ago the kale was used up at the expense of the baby, who now has loads of frozen cooked kale cubes to add to his dinners. sorry, kid.

but i do have a couple go-to recipes to use up the bloody stuff. one is raw, in case you’re the type that likes to juice cleanse or whatever, and one is cooked and stodgy. there’s also soup, but soup is boring.

ly-ly’s kale salad
ingredients
around 2 cups very finely chopped kale (for the love of god remove the spines first)
1/4 to 1/2 cup toasted breadcrumbs
one garlic clove, finely minced
quarter of a lemon
salt and pepper to taste
2 to 4 Tbsp olive oil

method
mix the dressing ingredients in a salad bowl, then add the kale and allow to wilt a bit. add breadcrumbs and serve.

creamy kale gratin
ingredients
2 cups finely chopped kale, spines removed
1 large or a couple smaller potatoes, peeled and diced into 1.5cm cubes
(bonus extra root veg that needs using up)
1 leek or onion, diced
a few garlic cloves, finely minced
1/4 cup margarine
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 to 1/3 cup nutritional yeast
1 cup soya milk
salt to taste (i’d recommend around 1 tsp)
1 cup toasted breadcrumbs, combined with yeast and salt in a food processor

method
melt the margarine over low heat in a large pan. add salt, leek, kale, and garlic, cooking for a minute. then add the potatoes and other veg, stirring and covering.

cook until the potatoes are fork tender, then add the nutmeg and soya milk. remove from heat and add the yeast. you want a creamy sauce – if the yeast makes it too thick add more milk.

pour the mixture into a baking dish, top with the breadcrumbs, and bake at 220C/gas mark 6 until the breadcrumbs are golden and the sauce is bubbly.

culinary cock-up: hasselback potatoes

right, when i attempt to make fancy shite and invariably fuck it up, it shall be encapsulated in a ‘culinary cock-up’ post.

a couple of days ago i saw a beautiful picture of a potato which had been thinly sliced into rounds attached at the bottom, then baked. it looked a bit like a pillbug, and was called a hasselback potato cos of some swedish restaurant. challenge accepted.

so last night i chose five smallish potatoes – two each for husband and me, and one for super-picky stroppy eldest son – and sliced them into rounds joined at the bottom. except i sometimes sliced too deeply and nearly sliced a couple potatoes in twain. whoops.

then i covered them in olive oil and put them in the oven for half an hour. when i took them out to put margarine on them, this is what i found:

decapitated fucking pillbugs.

whatever, i’ve come this far, i may as well make the whole effort. like the time i decided i HAD to make congee, even though i knew it was going to be disgusting about halfway through cooking it.

anyways i was prepared to write these off as a failed effort and rail against them in a blog post (JUST BAKE YOUR FUCKING POTATOES LIKE A NORMAL PERSON YOU POSH TWAT), but 45 minutes later, when i took them out of the oven and served them with rosemary hollandaise sauce…they were delicious.

seriously. the skins were crunchy, but the centres were creamy like a normal baked potato. good for a relatively easy, fancy dinner addition.

having said that, eldest son didn’t like them. ungrateful little poop.

and NO, you don’t get a picture of the finished item, because i couldn’t be bothered. if you want fancy pictures go to another blog!