culinary cock-up: ‘i don’t have time for this shit’ quick oat milk

lately i’ve been cooking with homemade oat milk instead of soya, because while 59p/litre is great, it still can’t beat 7p/litre.

seriously. i love, love, love cheap shwag.

however, i have discovered two drawbacks to homemade oat milk:

1) you have to soak the oats overnight, which is bad if you just want to make a cheap cheesy sauce on a whim.

2) the ~1.5L you do make has to be used within about 3 days, otherwise it goes all rancid in the fridge. like, come on oat people, you’re not helping me sell this to my family here.

SO today i decided, fuck this, i am making instant oat milk. by essentially pouring boiling water over instant porridge oats, blending, then straining out the porridge.

reader, it worked! i poured 2 cups of boiled water over 1/2 cup of oats, blended, and strained.

okay, it was a bit thicker than normal oat milk, and had the taste and texture of thin gruel.

but it watered down into a passable oat milk, that took 5 minutes to make. it worked, the end.

culinary cock-up: skint sausages

so this was my inner monologue today:

welp, we’re completely skint. again. can’t even afford a pack of linda mccartney sausages. bollox. what are we supposed to eat our leftover gravy with??

oh hey hang on! i can make my own bloody sausages!!

but i only have like a quarter cup of gluten in the cupboard. 

wait! i still have fuckloads of shiro from christmas! that’s basically just berbere-spiced gram flour so all i have to do is find a gluten-free sausage recipe.

like this one.

wait a sec. gram flour won’t work??! oh fuck it like i give a crap.

what is all this shit. arrowroot blahblah. amaranth flour. fucking xantham gum.

oh hey i have more gluten than i thought. faaab. fuck off with your flax egg dodgy gluten-free blahblah bollox.

dammit are we seriously out of oats??? fuck it i’m using bulgur wheat. oh amaranth is a nut flour? fuck it i’m dumping in some pee-kanns. mixy-mixy-mixmix! time to bake it!!

…welp. that literally looks like a log of shit.

fuck. it.

***one hour later***

hey that actually smells edible!!

you scrub up nice, sausages. ^_^

skint sausages
ingredients
1/2 cup gram flour
1/2 cup vital wheat gluten
1/3 cup bulgur wheat
1/4 cup nut pieces or nut flour (eg pecan)
1 tsp salt
2 Tbsp nutritional yeast, or 1 tsp marmite
3/4 cup hot vegetable stock
2 Tbsp vegetable oil
2 Tbsp vegan worcester sauce
1 tsp liquid smoke
1 tsp – 1 Tbsp spices (my gram flour was already seasoned with berbere spice – if you’re stuck for ideas just google the flavour profile you want)

method
first put the bulgur wheat in a bowl with 1/2 cup of boiling-temperature vegetable stock. cover and let sit for about 15 minutes.

meanwhile, mix all your dry ingredients, including spices, together in a mixing bowl. add the bulgur when ready. mix all the wet ingredients together, including the remaining stock, in a separate bowl, and add to the dry ingredients 1/4 cup at a time. work the dough with your hands – it should be loose and moist, but still kneadable. 

divide your dough into quarters, roll into a log shape (careful, it’s prone to falling apart, also it looks like shit lol), and wrap tightly in foil. place your sausages on a baking tray and bake at 180C for one hour.

this makes 4 moist, crumbly sausages, but can easily be doubled or trebled if you have more gluten to hand.

potential improvements
add 1 bread heel’s worth of breadcrumbs and 2 Tbsp plain flour.

i finally found vegan quorn…

…then watched it fucking fall apart in my pot pie because, due to conflicting information, i decided to defrost it before cooking.

FFS. got another bag to use up (spaghetti alfredo?), then switching back to cauldron’s marinated tofu pieces (fry’s is good too but can’t bring myself to fork out good wonga for it all the time).

culinary cock-up: hasselback potatoes

right, when i attempt to make fancy shite and invariably fuck it up, it shall be encapsulated in a ‘culinary cock-up’ post.

a couple of days ago i saw a beautiful picture of a potato which had been thinly sliced into rounds attached at the bottom, then baked. it looked a bit like a pillbug, and was called a hasselback potato cos of some swedish restaurant. challenge accepted.

so last night i chose five smallish potatoes – two each for husband and me, and one for super-picky stroppy eldest son – and sliced them into rounds joined at the bottom. except i sometimes sliced too deeply and nearly sliced a couple potatoes in twain. whoops.

then i covered them in olive oil and put them in the oven for half an hour. when i took them out to put margarine on them, this is what i found:

image

decapitated fucking pillbugs.

whatever, i’ve come this far, i may as well make the whole effort. like the time i decided i HAD to make congee, even though i knew it was going to be disgusting about halfway through cooking it.

anyways i was prepared to write these off as a failed effort and rail against them in a blog post (JUST BAKE YOUR FUCKING POTATOES LIKE A NORMAL PERSON YOU POSH TWAT), but 45 minutes later, when i took them out of the oven and served them with rosemary hollandaise sauce…they were delicious.

seriously. the skins were crunchy, but the centres were creamy like a normal baked potato. good for a relatively easy, fancy dinner addition.

having said that, eldest son didn’t like them. ungrateful little poop.

and NO, you don’t get a picture of the finished item, because i couldn’t be bothered. if you want fancy pictures go to another blog!