cheat’s bolognese

you know how some days you go to make pasta with a simple tomato sauce, and as you’re frying an onion you discover that you’ve run out of tinned tomatoes? yeah. 

fortunately my frantic search turned up tomato paste and frozen soya mince (i knew that impulse purchase from tesco would pay off!), so i decided i’d do a bolognese sauce. mindful of the ‘perfect bolognese’ article i read in the guardian a few weeks ago (yes i know how bougie that sounds), i added a bit more margarine and commandeered some soya milk to mimic the dairy in a ‘true’ bolognese.

and it was awesome! plus i used yeast extract instead of nooch, so it’s easy to make with on-hand non-specialist ingredients. so without further ado, the recipe:

cheat’s bolognese
serves 4 adults
ingredients (just fyi, these are all approximate)
250g pasta
50g margarine
1 medium onion, sliced into thin rings
100g frozen soya mince
1/2 to 1 tsp yeast extract, such as marmite
2 Tbsp tomato paste
~1 Tbsp soya sauce
1 tsp red wine vinegar
1/2 cup unsweetened plant milk (i used soya)
salt and pepper to taste

put on the hob a large covered pan of salted water, with a slick of vegetable oil on top. while you’re waiting for it to boil, melt the margarine in a separate pan and fry the onion over low heat until softened.

once it’s all golden and yummy-smelling, add the mince and turn the heat up a little. fry for a couple of minutes until thawed, then turn heat back down. add the yeast, tomato paste, soya sauce, and vinegar, and mix well.

stir in the soya milk and bring to a simmer. by now hopefully your pasta water has boiled, so you can add the pasta to the pan. simmer the sauce for a few minutes, then take off heat while your pasta cooks.

before you drain your pasta, reserve about 1/3 cup of the cooking water. add this to the bolognese and bring back to a simmer. drain the pasta and return it to the large pan, stirring in the bolognese sauce. add salt and pepper, and serve while hot!

roast chicken-style tofu

so uh, this is probably the pinnacle of my recipe-blogging career. seriously. i can’t imagine how it gets better from here.

a couple weeks ago i veganised a recipe from the guardian for lemon-roasted new potatoes, and the intrusive thought popped up that it would be the perfect side for roast chicken. this made me sad for two reasons: firstly, that such an iconic taste of my childhood was built on the death of an animal; and secondly, that i wouldn’t be able to properly recreate this taste in a cruelty-free way.

i immediately set out to prove myself wrong on the second count.

i’ve had three goes at this recipe, which requires one specialty ingredient that you can pick up from your local east asian grocer: oiled beancurd sheets. different from thicker tofu skin, and not to be confused with dry beancurd sheets which can’t be folded without crumbling to shit, oiled sheets are pliable and mimic both the crispness and the sloppiness of roasted skin really well. the sheets i bought were so large that i had to snip them into four pieces for the recipe, so one pack of around 8 large sheets is good value too.

this isn’t really an ‘everyday’ recipe, because while it’s relatively straightforward to make, it takes longer than an average weeknight supper and needs some prep earlier in the day or the night before. namely, the tofu needs to be pressed and marinated – which will only make you hungry as you put together the marinade:

one day i, too, will be able to take gorgeous pictures of my food. but just look at that marinade. ffs LOOK AT IT. 

anyways after you marinate the tofu for as long as you can, you then have to roll it up into its ‘skin’, which is also a bit fiddly. i’d highly recommend this roast for special occasions or company, though, because it’s goddamned delicious.

so without further ado:

roast chicken-style tofu
2 400g packets firm tofu (can also stretch the marinade to 3 if you have lots of company)
2 large oiled beancurd sheets (3 if making extra)
juice, zest, and pulp from 2 lemons
2 Tbsp fresh rosemary needles, or 2 tsp dried
2 Tbsp poultry seasoning of choice
1 1/2 tsp salt, or to taste (i used 2 tsp, which was slightly too salty – also reduce if poultry seasoning is particularly salty)
black pepper to taste
3/4 cup olive oil

a few hours before you’re due to cook this, or the night before, drain each block of tofu and slice into 4 pieces lengthwise – they should be long rectangles about 1.5cm thick. save the containers! take two large plates, put a dishtowel over the bottom plate, and arrange your 8 tofu pieces evenly over the plate. double the dishtowel over on top of the tofu, stack the second plate on top, and balance several heavy objects on that plate (i used a rice cooker and iron skillet).

while the tofu is pressing, make your marinade. wanna make it really easy on yourself? throw the lemon, rosemary, seasoning, salt, pepper, and olive oil into a food processor and blend until smooth. if food processors are too fancy for you, just chop the lemon zest and rosemary needles as finely as you can, and mix the marinade together with a fork.

after at least 20 minutes, carefully take the heavy things off your top tofu plate, and chuck the dishtowel in the laundry. put 4 pieces of the pressed tofu back into each of the containers, and evenly divide the marinade between them – you should have about 300ml marinade. don’t forget to evenly divide up the chunky bits! pop it into the fridge and leave for a few hours. 

a couple hours before you’re due to serve, take the tofu out of the fridge. put all the pieces onto a plate, and combine the marinade into one container (just makes it loads easier). take a large baking dish and oil it with about 1Tbsp olive oil. take your two large beancurd sheets, and cut them each into 4 pieces with kitchen scissors. each piece should be able to wrap around the tofu fillets.

place a beancurd sheet onto a cutting board and brush with the marinade. put one tofu fillet inside, then fold the sheet around it and roll up like a burrito. brush the bottom seam and sides with marinade, place your parcel seam-side down into the baking dish, and brush the top with marinade. repeat with the remaining tofu and sheets. if at any point you think you might run out of marinade (i’m looking right atcha, stretching-to-12-parcels people), just add more olive oil and mix back in.

heat your oven to 220C/gas 6. cover your baking dish with foil (or a lid if you have one o’ them fancy casserole dishes), and place in the oven. take it out after half an hour, brush the tops of your parcels in the gorgeous bubbling liquid from the baking dish, put the foil back on, and put back in for 20 minutes. remove from the oven again, brush the tops, then put it uncovered back into the oven for 10-15 minutes.

remove from oven, brush one more time because why not, and serve with all the yums ^_^

(note: you can also make this a one-pan dish by roasting in a casserole dish over vegetables. aw yiss!!)

trick your kids: deep-fried latke balls

okay so that’s a horrible picture for lots of reasons, the first one being that i had to cut the balls in half to cool down quicker. but that’s the point, really – my toddler is actually eating them.

my youngest is a shit where it comes to food. he now pretty much refuses to sit in a chair and be fed, so i’ve been scratching my head on what the hell to feed him.

i made homemade mini fucking pasties for fuck’s sake, and he refuses to eat them. now our freezer has loads of them in, and there they shall stay for like two years.

but! i got a brainwave. who doesn’t like deep-fried anything? (okay correction: what *kid* doesn’t like deep-fried anything?)

and i remembered that a couple years ago i made finicky eldest loads of vegan latkes, which he ate without complaint (the litres of ketchup may have had something to do with it).

so i decided to make deep-fried latke balls out of the root veg in our box. and the toddler actually ate them!!

the recipe below is very, very customisable – just use whatever veg you have to hand. stick whatever uncooked balls your monster won’t eat into the freezer for another day ^_^

deep-fried latke balls
1 medium potato, peeled and grated
1 medium carrot, washed and grated
1 parsnip, peeled and grated
1 celery stalk, destringed and grated
1 small-medium onion, peeled and grated
1/4 cup plain flour

mix all ingredients together in a mixing bowl. work the flour in with your fingers – the grated veg should have generated enough water for the flour to make a binding, sticky dough. if the mixture is too wet add more flour; if too dry add more water. form the mixture into tight little balls, slightly smaller than a ping-pong ball. you should have close to 20 balls.

either heat your oil in a deep-fat fryer, heat in a deep pan, or if shallow-frying, heat 1/4 to 1/2 cup oil in a skillet. make sure the oil is extremely hot – it should pop and sizzle when you throw a drop of water in. drop the balls into the oil and fry until golden brown – if shallow-frying, you will need to turn while cooking.

if serving to a hungry toddler, cut in half to facilitate quick cooling. 

potato scones

this morning we ran out of bread. seeing as how i’m too lazy to go to the shops at this time of day, i decided to make scones to eat my ReadyScramble(TM) with.

however. all the recipes i saw called for plant milk, which we *also* don’t have. rather than make a conventional scone with just water – which probably wouldn’t have been that terrible tbh but i was convinced that it would taste like baked wheat paste – i got inspired. 

for awhile i was obsessed with making focaccia bread. over the course of the fad i improved my bread with various things, including nutritional yeast (which must be put in all things), fresh rosemary nicked off my neighbour’s bush, and mashed potato. the latter sprung to mind – it made my focaccia gorgeously chewy and soft.

so i decided to wing a potato scone. and it turned out pretty well! lovely fresh out the oven with butter, or undergirding a scramble.


potato scones
400g potatoes, peeled, boiled, and mashed
2 Tbsp margarine
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
3/4 tsp salt
1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda

if you’ve just mashed your potatoes, add the margarine, salt, and nutritional yeast while they’re still hot, and mix well. allow to cool. (you can also just use cold leftover mashed potatoes, and assuming you’ve already buttered, salted and yeasted them, omit those further ingredients.)

mix your dry ingredients together in a mixing bowl, and work the mash in with your fingers. it should come together into a firm, kneadable dough. if it’s too moist add more flour; if too firm add some water.

put your dough on a floured surface, like a counter or large cutting board, and roll with a rolling pin until about 1/2 to 1cm thick. then you can either use a large cookie cutter to make the scones, or just take a knife and divide the dough into 6 equal pieces.

put on a greased or lined baking tray, and bake at 180C until the scones are golden (10-15 minutes).

culinary cock-up: skint sausages

so this was my inner monologue today:

welp, we’re completely skint. again. can’t even afford a pack of linda mccartney sausages. bollox. what are we supposed to eat our leftover gravy with??

oh hey hang on! i can make my own bloody sausages!!

but i only have like a quarter cup of gluten in the cupboard. 

wait! i still have fuckloads of shiro from christmas! that’s basically just berbere-spiced gram flour so all i have to do is find a gluten-free sausage recipe.

like this one.

wait a sec. gram flour won’t work??! oh fuck it like i give a crap.

what is all this shit. arrowroot blahblah. amaranth flour. fucking xantham gum.

oh hey i have more gluten than i thought. faaab. fuck off with your flax egg dodgy gluten-free blahblah bollox.

dammit are we seriously out of oats??? fuck it i’m using bulgur wheat. oh amaranth is a nut flour? fuck it i’m dumping in some pee-kanns. mixy-mixy-mixmix! time to bake it!!

…welp. that literally looks like a log of shit.

fuck. it.

***one hour later***

hey that actually smells edible!!

you scrub up nice, sausages. ^_^

skint sausages
1/2 cup gram flour
1/2 cup vital wheat gluten
1/3 cup bulgur wheat
1/4 cup nut pieces or nut flour (eg pecan)
1 tsp salt
2 Tbsp nutritional yeast, or 1 tsp marmite
3/4 cup hot vegetable stock
2 Tbsp vegetable oil
2 Tbsp vegan worcester sauce
1 tsp liquid smoke
1 tsp – 1 Tbsp spices (my gram flour was already seasoned with berbere spice – if you’re stuck for ideas just google the flavour profile you want)

first put the bulgur wheat in a bowl with 1/2 cup of boiling-temperature vegetable stock. cover and let sit for about 15 minutes.

meanwhile, mix all your dry ingredients, including spices, together in a mixing bowl. add the bulgur when ready. mix all the wet ingredients together, including the remaining stock, in a separate bowl, and add to the dry ingredients 1/4 cup at a time. work the dough with your hands – it should be loose and moist, but still kneadable. 

divide your dough into quarters, roll into a log shape (careful, it’s prone to falling apart, also it looks like shit lol), and wrap tightly in foil. place your sausages on a baking tray and bake at 180C for one hour.

this makes 4 moist, crumbly sausages, but can easily be doubled or trebled if you have more gluten to hand.

potential improvements
add 1 bread heel’s worth of breadcrumbs and 2 Tbsp plain flour.

skint breadcrumbs

so it’s occurred to me that, given how many of my recipes have the instruction to ‘top with breadcrumbs and bake’, i should probably tell you how i make baking breadcrumbs. it’s dead easy, as you’ll see below.

skint breadcrumbs
the 2 heels from a loaf of bread that you were going to throw out anyway
1-2 Tbsp margarine
1-2 Tbsp nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp salt
1/2-1 tsp paprika (optional)

toast the bread heels, then tear up and stick in a food processor with all the other ingredients. whizz until fine.

note: if you’re just sticking breadcrumbs in a salad or something, and not baking them, don’t bother with the other ingredients, just use the heels of bread.


…okay fine it’s not actually trademarked.

one day recently, having run out of tofu to do scrambles, i started thinking about yellow split peas. could i use them to make a scrambled egg analogue? would it be vile?

i decided to use yellow split peas to make ‘burmese-style’ tofu, using this recipe, so that i could satisfy my curiosity.

the resulting scramble was AMAZING.

my super ├╝ber-patented ReadyScramble(TM) eggy yellow split peas make a much softer scramble than normal tofu – a bit like polenta crossed with fried mushy peas (but delicious i promise!). their star quality comes from their ability to hold flavours like added vegan cheese, the way they mimic softer scrambled eggs, how you can fry them in slices to make vegg mcmuffins, and of course the fact that it’s ridiculously cheap to make – 1 1/4 cups of peas turns into twice the soybean curd you’d buy in the shops, for like one fifth of the price.

see the difference in size? ridiculous.

so i’m going to give you my mods on the aforementioned burmese-style tofu recipe, and then you can make ReadyScramble(TM) yourself! my prowess as a cook evidently isn’t matched by similar business acumen as i’m giving away my patented recipe for free :-p

3 cups water
1 1/4 cup yellow split peas, soaked in hot water overnight, drained, and rinsed
1 1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp turmeric
1 tsp garlic granules
1 tsp onion granules
1/2 to 1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1/4 cup margarine
1/3 cup shredded vegan cheese (optional)

if you forgot to soak your peas overnight, have no fear! just pour boiling water over them, let sit for a couple of hours, drain, then pour more boiling water over and let sit for a couple more hours. if you’re really pressed for time you could try boiling them on the hob for 10 minutes then leaving for an hour. anyways!

put your soaked, drained, rinsed peas into a blender or food processor along with all the spices, nutritional yeast, margarine, and 1/2 cup of water. blend until the peas start to come together into a smooth paste. scrape down the sides of your processor, add another 1/2 cup of water, and blend until smooth.

have a large container, or a couple of smaller ones, ready to use. i oiled mine but that’s not strictly necessary. bring the remaining two cups of water to boil in a large pot. stir in the paste and whisk over high heat nonstop for 8 minutes. an electric whist REALLY helps here, because the mixture will get thick and your arms will get tired. keep an analogue whisk to hand though as my electric one crapped out halfway through :-/

when the 8 minutes is up, whisk in the shredded cheese if using. pour the mixture into its container(s) and let cool for at least an hour.

all you need to do now for a delicious eggy scramble, is crumble a slice into 1 Tbsp hot oil in a frying pan, and let fry on high for a few minutes. put it on toast, muffins, in burritos, in breakfast toasties…now i’m hungry again…maybe time for another scramble……

maple-miso pecans

okay so i made these yesterday but ate them all before i managed to take a picture. so here, enjoy this stock photo of a pecan that’s been put through a sketch filter. #dealwithit

hope y’all had a crackin’ holiday! i did ethiopian food for christmas and it was awesome. but, i made way too much food and had to freeze or throw out loads of leftovers. oh well.

among other things my mum gave me a bag of pecans for christmas, because pecans are wicked expensive over here. i used half the bag to make berbere-spiced pecans, which were crack, and then yesterday i got inspired by the maple syrup my brother gave me (thank you!!) and the bag of hikari miso from the east asian grocer in our fridge.

these pecans are great in salads or just eaten fresh out of the oven, on your own, hiding them from your kids.

happy veganuary!!

maple-miso pecans
200-250g pecan halves
1Tbsp miso paste
1Tbsp maple syrup

line a tray with baking paper, and spread the pecans over it in an even layer. bake in the oven at 180C until slightly browned and fragrant, about 5-10mins.

meanwhile, mix the miso paste and maple syrup together in a large bowl. you can even add wasabi paste if you want a bit of kick! when you take the pecans out of the oven, tip them all into the bowl and mix well to coat.

spread the pecans back out on the tray, and put back in the oven at 160C for another 5-10mins until they are darker in colour but not burnt. then take them out and try not to burn your fingers and tongue as you stand in front of the cooker eating them all.

yusss cornbread

being a recovering american, this is the time of year where i make loads of traditional thanksgiving food. thanksgiving used to be my favourite holiday, because it was basically all about the cooking and enjoying of food with no other added bollox. there isn’t really an equivalent in the UK – it’s kind of like cooking two christmas dinners.

having grown up in the american south, i get nostalgic for heavy southern-style food this time of year – collard greens, baked sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, blackeye beans swimming in gravy, and of course dense, moist cornbread to eat it all with!

for the past couple weeks, i’ve been making loads of cornbread. the first recipe i tried was WAY too crumbly. it was useless at mopping up anything, and in the hands of my children it turned into a crumbly mess on my kitchen floor.

isa chandra’s recipe was better but still not quite as dense as i wanted. i then had the brainwave to sub out some of the soya milk for soya yogurt. bam! delicious, dense, moist cornbread. my recipe below.

2 cups cornmeal
1 cup plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1 1/2 cups vegan yogurt
1 cup soya milk
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 Tbsp golden syrup

preheat oven to 180C/350F/gas mark 4. combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix well. grease a small baking tin, pour in the mixture and bake for a little over half an hour until a knife inserted into the middle of the bread comes out clean.